Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
