...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
