I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
