On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I could make wine with my vomit
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
