I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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