He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
