Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
