Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
