I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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