Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
