I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
