Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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