Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
