OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
