I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
