its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
