I just threw up on my dentist
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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