well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
