she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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