Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
