i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
