we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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