I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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