"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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