now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
