i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I want to be your penis for a week.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
