Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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