Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
