Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
