you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
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