I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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