then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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