My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
