I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
