so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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