I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
