I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
