I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
