After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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