wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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