im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
time to smoke my breakfast
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
