Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
