she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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