Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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