I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
