Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
