Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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