I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
