Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
