So drunk its hurt
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
